Nothing Can Ever Ruin This

2022-12-11 · essays

Not my words: a monologue by Exurb1a, which I posted on 2022-12-11 because it said something I could not.

You meet at a party.
You're both young, probably teens.
You find excuses to hang out and pretend to be friends.

She has a tiny birthmark on her neck that you notice but don't mention.
You catch yourself thinking about her a little, then a lot, then all the time.

You stop sleeping and eating, and whatever music you're listening to at the time will be so tied to her, that in 20 years, someone will play that song again, and just for a second, you'll remember exactly how you feel now.

You had no idea you could care about another human this much.

And nothing can ever ruin this.
And anyone who tells you otherwise is an idiot.

You're not even 20 yet, but you just met the love of your life; how lucky is that?
You're probably neglecting time on your term papers, and not getting much sleep, but that doesn't matter. You get to know her parents well, and she gets to know yours too.

You've got big plans.
And nothing can ever ruin this.

She shows you new music you probably wouldn't have even given a shit about before, but somehow you quite like it now.

You tell you about your shit, and she pretends to care very convincingly.
Now, suddenly all that bullshit love poetry they forced on you in school, begins to make sense.
You don't believe in fate or crap like that, but you begin to understand why some people do.

On one day, she looks at someone else, and smiles, or laughs, and you feel this sort of weird sting in your brain. Welcome to jealousy. It's quite natural. You don't mention it because you're not completely insane. She probably feels the same way about you and that's nice.

You get stressed.
You get tired.
You watch a lot of TV together.

She mentions some guy at work or school who's been sending her funny emails, and you decide to murder him but quickly remember that's illegal. You start go running in the afternoons, and you notice this girl that's usually out around the same time. She's kinda pretty, but whatever.

You spend less time together in the evening. You've forgotten what butterflies feel like. You mention this to a guy you know who's been married for years and he tells you that's what happens.
You've can't be loved out forever. This scares you a little but it's alright because everything will be fine.

And nothing can ruin this.

You're in your 20's now and some of your school friends are becoming architects or doctors and you're...not.

You wanted to be a...whatever but you've haven't practiced it in years. You start practicing again or planning to build a business or get a masters. She seems thoroughly unimpressed by the idea.

You still hang out and it's nice but you begin to worry that something is missing. You go running some more and you see that girl again in the woods. There's something sort of otherworldly about her. She stops for breaths, so you do too.

You say hello.
She's smart.
Kinda calls you on your bullshit, and you like that. Then you carry on running, and push her out of your mind, but now you remember what butterflies feel like.

You come home. You cook the same dish you had the night before, and the night before that.

You talk about nothing much.
You sit in awkward silence for a while. and then you watch some more TV.
And some more TV.
And you live like this for another year.
And that's fine.
And nothing can ever ruin this.
Ever.

One of you leaves the other. or snaps for no reason. or mentions that you should take a break. or starts getting distant. or stops talking about the future. or whatever it is.

Whether you were the one who broke it off or not, you're never going to wake up to her voice again or or have anther screaming argument about the European Union or if dogs can look up or not.

Music is shit . and food is shit. and everyone is shit however nice they are to you.
And you know you've made a terrible mistake.

Nothing can ruin this. and now everything is fucking ruined.

You can't seem to sleep for more than a few hours.
Someone mentions that she's been hanging out a lot with whatever his name is.
You imagine them briefly then go doing something else.
You play a lot of video games. and discover that yes you do actually still have friends. and they've been patiently waiting for you for fucking a lot now.
They listen to your bullshit politely because they've been through breakups too.
They offer some nice little platitudes, plenty of more fish in the sea, etc.
But you don't really believe them because they weren't really in love like you're in love.
No one has been in love like you're in love.

And one day, out of nowhere, that girl you met running invites you out. And you notice this little birthmark on her shoulder, but you don’t mention it.

And you stop sleeping and eating, and whatever music you’re listening to at the moment will be so tied to her that in twenty years someone will play that song again and just for a second you will remember exactly how you feel now.

Music starts to sound good again, food starts to taste good again. God, what was all that about before? Why were you being such a pussy?

Before long the two of you are hanging out every other day and you can’t remember the last time you felt so alive! It this what you’re meant to be doing all along? Or maybe you’re just repeating the same dumb pattern again? But God, it feels incredible!

Maybe the whole thing is just some stupid gamble, but you don’t care. You didn’t care last time, because right now, you’re sure of it. More sure than anything, ever — and anyone who tells you otherwise is an idiot. And nothing can ever ruin this.

And nothing can ever ruin this.

And nothing can ever ruin this.

And nothing can ever ruin this.

And nothing can ever ruin this.