Being Sad for No Reason

2023-01-23 · personal

Being sad for no reason is almost impressive, given the insane amount of things there are to feel sad about.

It often strikes sometimes on a holiday morning or on a Wednesday evening when I finish all my tasks.

I'll be doing the dishes or brushing my teeth, looking back at the day in some naive effort to ground my life in narrative, but the events are scattered, faces are blurred, I struggle to remember when I last felt happy, and yet nothing is wrong.

In a half-baked attempt to surmount brain chemistry, my mind scrambles to find a cause, did I drink enough water? Have I spoken to someone today? Is it raining?

That dark, sinking feeling that twirls round and round in my stomach accelerates permeating through every cell in my body.

I feel sad for no reason.

As Van Gogh writes, "one feels as if one were lying bound hand and foot at the bottom of a deep dark well, utterly helpless."

I feel trapped, directionless. Any attempt to imagine a future better than this is swiftly crushed by my brilliant talent for pessimism. Seeing a friend will remind me that others are happier than I am.

Watching a comfort movie will remind me of the times when that movie used to bring me joy. A simple walk in the park feels like some weird exhibitionism.

Why would the world want to see my miserable face anyways?

This is why once again I search for the root of cause but there is no single reason for my despair, or perhaps my sadness is simply the sum of several causes, microevents of loneliness, regret, shame, and failure add up in time.

Is this a sign that my life as a sum total is an abject pit of misery that I have been failing to exist?