What Do I Want?

2023-09-12 · personal

What do I want? I guess I want to be at peace with myself. I never really feel like I'm doing enough. I'm never really like settled. I guess I want to solve myself. I want to understand myself. Um, so I desperately want you to understand me, and I also don't.

I'm horrified when you tell me who I am. I actually want to be this mysterious incomprehensible person. I want to be something, something of worth. I want to be recognized as special, so I need to keep working. But I don't really know what I'm expecting out of this. Every time I achieve something, I feel pretty empty. I keep thinking the next thing will make me happy, and it never does.

So I guess I'm scared of being alone. So I made this facade with the accomplishments and the, you know, necessary humility to not drive people away, to still draw you in.

Um, and yes, I love the crowds yet I also hate them when I am not part of them, you know, the anonymous deposits of validation. Um, but of course, I also want that one special someone. I want them to somehow see through the facade. At least I think I do. Um, but when they do, when they actually know me, they won't like me. I know they won't like me. They're going to be horrified. And if they do like this real me, well then, I think there's probably something wrong. Um, deep down, I don't want things to change.

Every time something bad has happened, it's some sort of change. And whenever something good finally happens, it eventually ends. So what's the point of any of this if none of it lasts? I guess that's why I, I guess I'm focused on myself in the end.